Interview for an Arranged Marriage

Do you smoke? – no

Do you do drugs? – no

Do you go out to party? – no

Are you a virgin? – yes

Do you wear sensible clothes?- yes

Are you a saver or spender? – saver

Do you know how to make roti? – yes

Can you care for the parents? – yes

Do you want children? – yes

Do you want to work outside the home? – yes

Do you know how to do all the house hold chores? – yes

Do you know how to make all Indian food as well as western? – yes

Sounds good, when can we get married???

Wait a minute!  What about all the questions I had for this arrangement?

Do you drink? – yes

Do you do drugs – yes

Are you a virgin? – no

Do you know how to cook?- no

What do you earn? – none of your business yet, you will be provided for

Are you good with money? Do you save money? – don’t worry about it.

Will you look after my parents and family? – not my job, that’s their son’s job

Do you know how to do any housework? – not my job, womens work

Will you take me out with you? – if I do then who spends time with my parents?

Will you help with the kids? – if I do so, what will you do?

No I don’t want this arranged marriage!  He isn’t what I’m looking for!

Beta, this is a marriage, full of compromises, happens to all of us.  You won’t find a better family than that, don’t be so picky!  He probably has so many rishtas come, consider yourself lucky!  Your not some maharani where he must be perfect!

Just like that my wedding date has been fixed 

The lies and deception begin

Venya

Our First New Years Eve

Who doesn’t love New Year’s Eve?!?!?! Me? I love any reason to party but this was a ‘must do’.  Excitement was running through my veins!  This was the first New Year’s Eve away from my parents  My parents had never allowed me to be on my own before on this world wide party night.  I started asking my reluctant husband to make concrete plans with me so I can experience a New Year’s Eve party.  Hesitantly he did make plans with me; it may have been because I was insistent that we would have to be together no matter what.  Like a stubborn child, I was making it very clear that whether he was out and about or in front of the TV at home, I was going to be by his side!

This was one of the few times since our wedding that he was actually happy to be with me. He made dinner plans at a fancy restaurant and bought tickets to a happening party.  All I had to think about was what to wear to impress him.  I was going to have my husband all to myself without his girlfriend!!!  I couldn’t believe I had won this battle against her; he actually picked me on New Year’s Eve 🙂

He had made plans with some of his other friends; we were going as a group of friends. I knew some of his friends but didn’t know them that well, but nonetheless I was excited to be with people in a party setting!

Dinner was fantastic, in a fancy hotel with people dressed to the nines. After dinner we went to another place for drinks with his friends.  Later in the evening we went to our party and it was awesome!  People dancing to music, laughing, in love and overall having a fantastic time.  This is what life was supposed to be like!  I started to day dream about how Raj and I would go to many more gatherings like this as a happy couple.  It was so beautiful to be around such positivity, it was infectious.

My life was not so bad right? So what if he abuses me mentally, emotionally and at times physically?  We still manage to find time to enjoy each other’s company, I know we can be that happily ever after couple if I just put more effort into us.  He was happy to be with me tonight I was going to maximize it as his wife!  I am the only one for him and him for me.

When  the clock struck 12, he grabbed me close and kissed me as everyone was doing with their partners.  I elated with happiness,  he was openly showing affection towards me in public.  I knew it!  He did love me, actually I had made him love me!

This year was going to be an amazing year with my husband, or was it?

Venya♥

His wife should be #1, right?

I was now determined to become “the one” in his life. I had to prove to myself, to him and to her that I was woman enough to be his wife.  I also wanted to force his parents to believe that I was a good addition to the family.  I had left my everything to be part of this family only to be rejected? No way! They were going to love me and accept me.

I began shifting my focus on myself rather than her, I started out by mentally preparing myself that I was going to be fighting fire with fire. I also knew that I had the fight of my life coming up as I was competing with my husband’s love.  This was the start of me killing myself to be attractive to him and his family.

I called my sister and told her what I was going to do and she didn’t agree, nor did she disagree. I think she was too young to make a decision with me.  I wish we both had been older so I wouldn’t have destroyed myself trying to make myself attractive to him.

Hmm, but first I had to figure out was wrong with me. I start analyzing myself.   I remember looking in the mirror and thinking there are some adjustments to be made but for the most part I was easy on the eyes.  Yes I have a flirty personality and I’m outgoing, but that’s fixable.  I will start to tone it down with my personality, easy fix!  My smarts, I did maintain good greats throughout my life and I was pretty good at figuring things out, I will become even brighter!  I knew how to cook and clean but there was always room for improvement!  I knew from the praises that my parents sang that I was a pretty good daughter, what possibly could be difficult in being a good daughter in law?  In fact my entire life, at that point, I was the example kid that all the parents used to their own kids, “Why can’ you be like her?”  After a quick self analysis I concluded that I was okay wife material.

In my heart of all hearts I really wanted to be his wife, his #1, his only priority. I had heard being married required work; well I was prepared to put in the work!  My parents were not going to be shamed by me and a marriage that would possibly not work out!

What was the recipe for winning a man’s love? Dress attractively, cook awesome food, be a hooker in the bedroom, have intelligent conversation, and love his family like your own?  Check, check, and check!

By nature I was quite adjustable, I had the ability to make everyone my friend, I was smart and actually liked domestic work. What more did a husband want?  I was going to fight for what was rightfully and legally mine

 

I got this I thought, I’m going to kill ‘em with kindness 🙂 Boy was I wrong!

-Venya♥

Burn baby burn

With mixed emotions I went home straight to the bedroom that I shared with him. Who was him anyway?  Was he my husband or was he her boyfriend???  So mad, sad and angry at the world the tears flowed like an overflowing river.  Like every other time, the question of ‘why me’ did loops in my head.  How could he and his family do this to me???  How could they do this to her??? How could they do this to any one???  Had they no respect for women in general or was it a select few?

Her words were repeating themselves in my head like a broken record player; I thought I was going insane! She had said all the clothing he had, she was somehow responsible for it.  I wanted to destroy anything in the closet that she had anything to do with.  I started making a pile on the bed.  Before I knew it was almost all of his belongings, had I lost it?  What to do now, throw it out?  Nope, not good enough for me, it all needed to be destroyed.  I took a pair of scissors and started cutting up ties, shirts, pants and jackets.  It felt good doing it yet I felt so bad taking action like this. As if the destruction with the scissors wasn’t good enough, I took as much as I could carry out to the lawn and I lit it on fire. My head and heart were in turmoil, I didn’t want to be this evil person, but I felt like I had no choice.  I watched everything burn not caring what the neighbors must be thinking.  I was going to make her go away, I was going to stop their relationship.  I had to, I had no other choice.  I wanted to scream and shout, only tears came out.

There was much satisfaction in destroying some of what they had together! I was looking forward to the part where I could boast about my actions to him.

I waited for him to come home after work deliberately leaving his cut up clothing in plain view. His reaction was not what I had anticipated; he was very calm about, almost as if he half expected it.  He did ask me if I felt better in wrecking his stuff.

I answered, “Yes and if there was anything else that I ‘felt’ was connected to her that too would go too.”

I never was completely satisfied because of his lack of reaction. I had thought he would see his stuff tattered and thrown away and we would have an arguing match but, nothing like that happened.

Getting rid of his/her stuff never did take my problems away but it then gave me a chance to rebuild his wardrobe again, but this time with me by his side and not her! I wasn’t giving up on my marriage I had decided, I was going to fight for what was rightfully and legally mine.  Now him and I were going to build EVERYTHING together and she wasn’t going to be a part of anything!

Now the fire was lit within me, did I have it me to overtake his girlfriend?

-Venya♥

Fill in Moms

For the ladies without kids but loving hearts, this one is for you. These days there is much debate whether a woman should bear children or not.  I have been caught in the cross fire many times and have flip flopped for many years on my stance.  In my 30’s I think I have finally made up my mind as to what is the right thing to do.

Keep in mind I was that girl who used to tell EVERY SINGLE female to have children. I feel kids are amazing, they enhance your life, they give you a purpose etc. but they are like a box of chocolates!   I have stopped preaching to women to become mothers because so many kids have moms that aren’t really there physically and at times, emotionally.

WOMEN, never feel guilty, bad or you’re missing out on something because you don’t have children of your own. Here’s why:

You can be an excellent fill-in mom to a young person whose mom may be absent. (Single mom, sick mom, mom who isn’t enjoying motherhood etc.)

You can fill up the emotional bank for any child as an interactive auntie. So many kids have parents but may not be getting the undivided attention every child craves; you can be that person to fill the void.

The orphanages are overflowing with children who need homes filled with love; a child doesn’t have to be biologically yours for you to be its world and vice versa.

Too many teenagers are walking around without positive role models, you can scoop up one of them and act as a big sister and really mentor a child into adult life.

Many mothers need a break from normal routine! Childless women can be the one giving a break to their mom friends to recharge. Thank you to my childless friends who help me out with my kids, you have no idea how much it helps me!

Just because you didn’t have children doesn’t mean you’re not a real woman. You most definitely are, you just thought things through before making a decision that cannot be altered.  Children are a huge commitment.  They are demanding physically, emotionally and financially which all bring stress and struggles.   there may or may not be a pay off in the end.  In your old age you still may be alone…or your house may be filled with a huge family.  No one knows the future, only time will tell.

Which is worse: Having a child and not really being a present, caring, involved mom or not having children but nurturing, mentoring and caring for other children who may not have the best circumstances?

Whatever decision a woman makes, she has to live with it.  We as a society should support her and not make her feel guilty for her choices.   There are too many kids waiting to be loved and cared for, so let’s stop judging each other and help those who need it, the kids, they are the future.

Personally, I love being a mom! In fact, I’m a mom to my 2 plus too many who frequent my house.  This post was prompted because a teenage girl was telling me how her mom is there but never really does anything with her.  Her mom doesn’t talk with her, cook with her or anything really.  According to this young adult her mom is too busy on the phone, cleaning or running errands to pay attention to her.  She told me she wished I was her mom or her mom would be like me.  A few months back another teen girl  told me how her single mom didn’t have time for her and she had no one to talk to but me about “things”.  She knows her mom is working hard for her but wanted her mom to be around instead of working all the time.  She too asked me to adopt her (I have informally!)

After witnessing too many women not really liking the motherhood role and/or not taking care of their children I say, if you don’t want to have kids don’t do it. There are enough kids who need to be loved that are already in this world, just love them.  If you want kids and will take your role as a mom seriously, then do it, there is a real joy in it!  Just remember there are many ups and downs in parenting the same as any other role in our lives.

Now time for me to go love my babies whether they like it or not!

Venya♥

Post Honeymoon

12 days in the Caribbean can make anyone forget their reality, isn’t that what vacations are supposed to do, make us forget our real lives??? This vacation cliché worked on me! Clear blue waters, endless bottles of alcohol, sleeping in, sun bathing by the pool, meals prepped for you and having no schedule helped me ignore the fact I was married to someone that was entirely wrong for me.  The first few days back from our honeymoon went by quickly.  His family was still in town, they wanted to hit all the tourist attractions so we had a lot of sightseeing to do with them.  Real life didn’t kick in until about a month after I was actually married.  During that period his family was still in town, we had many dinners, chai’s and chatter to focus on rather than the issues bothering me.

Raj and I settled in some sort of routine. He would set out for work every day in the morning dressed in a suit and tie and then return some time in the evening.  I would spend time with the out of town guests around meals and other visitors until the dinner dishes were done.  Sometime around that he would come home and hang out with the relatives, other nights he would come home, change and then leave again.  I would always be crushed when he did this.  I knew there was nothing between us but some casual sex but I still had expectations, those expectations nearly killed me.  When he would come home and leave, I always knew where he was going, to see his girlfriend.  My gut told me that she was with him when he wasn’t with me.  I would persistently ask him questions about his whereabouts and he would never answer properly except, with friends.  It broke my heart every time he left me in the middle of his family to fend for myself.  Why couldn’t he just take me along and drop me off somewhere and then just pick me up???  I hated pretending to be happy with his family while inside I was so sad.  I hated that I actually liked his family because I resented him for forcing me stay alone with them while he was out with her.  Many times I went to my bedroom, would have a quick cry, fix my makeup and walk out and join the scene as if all was well.   How come none of the family ever asked him where he was going or to stay and join us or even how about, take your fucking wife with you!  I played house in front of the world but in my head I was so confused as to what to do with my feelings.

1 month in and I didn’t like what marriage was. He would go to work.  I would cook, clean and entertain for his family all three meals.  He would come home change and at times he would leave again and some days he stayed around.  The days he would leave me I would fall asleep waiting and he would return well into the early morning hours.  I would wake up and ask questions about his life and what’s going on and he would brush me off and the cycle continued day in and day out.  A few times Raj and I had heated exchanges but for the most part we were on our best behaviour because the houseguests were still here and listening to everything.

Once the guests had gone back home is when the real drama started. Him and I started to fight behind closed doors about a variety of issues, we never fought in front of his family nor did I ever let on that I was upset.  His mom was sly from the beginning and that became prevalent issues between us. During your son’s wedding, it’s customary to give gifts to family and friends to your guests.  Some gifts can be quite extravagant.  My dear mother in law wanted to give with extravagance without having to spend any money.  About a week after my wedding she asked to “borrow” a gold set (earrings, necklace and ring) so she can gift it to one of Raj’s cousins.  This set was worth thousands of dollars, it was one of the ones that my parents had given me.  I gave her the set as a good non suspecting daughter in law would do, to this day; she has yet to pay me back.  The following week she had asked for a couple of pairs of earrings she had given me but “forgot” to buy some for the other nieces.  She swindled me out of at least 5k worth of jewellery in the name of love and “helping” her out in a time of need.  I should also mention, she was really upset with me that Raj had got me my own deposit box at the bank.   She had insisted she would “take care” of my jewellery, Raj had said no firmly and went ahead and got me a separate box from her.  She had also started making remarks about my body size here and there.

He was constantly in and out of the house, without much explanation of his whereabouts. He would sometimes arrange for his friends to entertain me in the evenings.  A few of his friends started taking me out to movies, dinners and coffees because my complaining was compelling him to get me out of the house. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere without him and I didn’t have a job to even go to.  I had told him I wanted to work and he had shut that idea down.  He wanted me spend the first year of my marriage to get to know his family, so I stayed home for the first year.  He gave me money to spend, so I was never without plus I had turned over all my savings to him in the form of a joint account where he would manage the money not me.  I had agreed to this set up, at 20 years old, I didn’t know any better.  I had talked to my mom and she told me the right thing to do was to amalgamate everything with my new husband, so I did without questioning it.   So now he had taken over the money I had saved (he had no savings), I was put on a weekly allowance(it was enough for me so I never complained), was taken out by his friends once a week(they were fun to be around), stayed home to cook/clean for his family (very demanding and criticized me all the time), didn’t see any of my friends (I moved out of the neighbourhood and they were all going to school),  and I was lonely as one could be.  20 years old married for under a couple of months and I felt like I was married to long.  Basically I had given up everything including my own identity to become a mistress masked as a wife.

Raj and I fought all the time, and then he would at times take me out and buy things for me. As an older person, I now see it as a way for him to keep me quiet about the truth about our life together.  He loved to eat at fancy restaurants; he would buy me nice dresses (his parents disapproved of my dresses) and then take me out once in a while.  I think these were the times that she must have been busy in her life; I was the mistress after all!  On call for his pleasure!!!  I must admit, I did like going out with him because it gave me some sense of importance in his life.  Those times I felt hopeful that maybe I will be able to win him over with my unconditional love.  I knew I was a good person and I had good intentions, isn’t that a recipe for success?  I learned later that is a recipe to get walked all over.  I would complain to my parents about my not so great situation and they would tell me to be kind and practice patience, everything will get better.  I asked my dad to come home and he told me it was too soon and I hadn’t tried hard enough to win him and his family over.  Instead he asked me to reflect and see if I had made any mistakes in caring for him and his family!!!  Umm DAD!!!  HOW ABOUT WE FOCUS ON HIS GIRLFRIEND THAT HE CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT AND HIS GREEDY BITCH OF  MOM WHO CONSTANTLY PUTS ME DOWN AND MAKES FUN OF ME???????

What did I do?   All I knew what to do, cry myself to sleep night after night and hope things would turn around as my parents promised.

-Venya♥

Engagement Day

I wake up confused, should I be happy, sad, angry or depressed. We all make the choice every day and decide what kind of mood we will be in, but today was not a typical day for me. This was the day I was to be formally engaged to a man who was living with another woman. Previously I had written about finding out about the other woman in his life, or am I the other woman??? My parents still won’t face the fact they are forcing me to marry a man who is committed to someone else. My sister and I have plotted for the last few days how to get out of the marriage, we don’t know how. She is younger than I am but knows that this marriage is all wrong, he and his family are all wrong. She is the only person in the world, at that time that I trusted. She was so supportive, planned my escape and tried to execute it but we failed miserably. I think we were both too young to execute anything against our parents without fear. Fear gripped us which in turn paralyzed me, I had decided, I had no choice but go forward with the engagement to him.

I step outside my bedroom and like usual, the house is buzzing, it is the wedding week of my big fat Indian Wedding. Mom and Dad’s smiles are so big when they see me, naturally I smile back and then catch myself changing it to a frown immediately. What the fuck am I to do??? My mom yells at me from the couch, “Brush your teeth, eat something and the hair and makeup girl is arriving at 1 to get you ready for the tonight! Hurry up, don’t be so slow, it’s your engagement night. Your sari is ready to go, all ironed and laid out for you!” She is so happy, why is she so happy? Why are they pretending they don’t know the truth? Is anyone ready to talk about reality or are we to go about the day as if we are a part of some Bollywood movie where we just sing and dance no matter the circumstances.

I get into the bathroom and go about my business trying to figure out a way out. In my head, there is no way out. Leaving the bathroom I spot my sister, I drag her inside the room and once again try to come up with a solution for my predicament. Nothing, we come up with nothing except go along with it or runaway. It’s almost 1 so I put some food in my stomach and anticipate the arrival of the makeup artist. Why am I doing this??? The agony is unnecessary!

She arrives to get me all dolled up for the big event. I will admit at this point I get caught up in getting ready. Who doesn’t want to be pampered and doted on? She is enthusiastic about being the one to get me ready for my big night. I can’t help but get excited with her, at times I even forgot my reality! After a few hours of getting ready with giggles and talks I’m ready to depart my home to the venue where my future husband will put a ring on my finger to show the world he owns me.

 

We enter the hall as a family, my brother, sister and parents by my side. I greet the relatives from near and far with a smile and a hug. Everyone is gushing over me! I love the attention and again caught up in the moment, someone might actually mistake me for being happy about the engagement. I COULD HAVE MISTAKEN ME AS BEING HAPPY ABOUT THE ENGAGEMENT! In my defense, I was 19, I didn’t know any better. My dad comes to my side, interrupting my hellos and says it’s time to go inside. Now I’m nervous. Dad, my brother, and entourage of family walk me to the empty chair beside him. I haven’t looked up since I started walking down the aisle. I can’t even look at him, I’m nervous, shy, mad and upset.

I sit down in my place next to him, I hear a whispered hello. We haven’t spoken since the lunch. I can hear people at the tables laughing, talking and enjoying the scene but I still don’t bring my eyes to meet the crowd. So much is going through my mind with my head hung low and my hands folded neatly across my thighs. I hear someone telling me to get up, I look up, its’ the photographer. Apparently he sat down on the wrong side of me, we had to exchange seats. STRIKE ONE: We sat incorrectly! According to customs my parents start the ceremony of giving him gifts of a necklace, a bracelet and cash. In the end they are to put a mix of dried fruit, nuts and sugar treats in his laps. It’s wrapped in a red cloth (for good luck), my dad feeds him a piece and turns to walk away leaving the bundle of good luck in Raj’s lap. As my dad is turning away, Raj drops the entire bundle on the floor! STRIKE TWO: He dropped the bundle of good luck all over the floor, I can hear the crowd whispering because of the significance of him dropping it. It means we will have bad luck in our marriage, according to superstitions. I learned the significance of him dropping the bundle after the marriage, no one in my family spoke to me about it.

Then its was my turn to receive gifts. His family started fussing over me, I actually liked it. They put a gold set on my bare neck, filled my bare ears with earrings to match the necklace. Put a ribbon in my hair, fancied up my bare arms with red bangles (that were too small!) and put mehndi on my hands. Then he turned to me with sindoor in his hands. **Sindoor is only for women to signify she is taken by marriage. It’s the red powder you may see in a woman’s hairline.**  I lower my head and allow him to put the sindoor in my hairline to lay claim to me. Lastly he has the ring in his hand, I can’t see it because I haven’t really looked up, my head has been hung low for the last 2 hours! He takes my hand and puts a ring on my finger. STRIKE THREE: I look at the ring; it looks like his mother’s old used and worn ring! If I was going to marry a lying, cheating jerk at least give me a ring that I like!!! 3 strikes and we’re out! I am so disappointed with the ring, my heart sinks. FUCK!

 

The guests are coming up and congratulating us verbally and with some money, then we are both guided outside for some engagement pictures. Talk about awkward! Both our siblings were our chaperones during the photo shoot. I look back and remember smiling and then hating him all in the same breath. I loved that I was the focal point but this time I hated why I was the focal point. I loved the magic of an engagement and still do, I didn’t like this was my engagement to a lying two faced bastard. I couldn’t keep up with myself! Was I unhappy or sad, and what was the title of our relationship? Was I his mistress or wife to be, he technically did belong to someone else but I was the newest to the threesome?!?!?

The night continued with a mix of emotions for me. People enjoyed the night at the expense of my life. My parents had made me the sacrificial lamb for the family honour.  I kept looking at the ugly used ring that I didn’t want on my finger. I hated everyone who knew the truth but stood on the sidelines as if nothing was wrong with the picture. More than anyone, I hated myself. I hated that I was too young to use my brain, I hated that I loved my parents and family too much, I hated that I didn’t want to fight with anyone, I hated that I didn’t have enough courage to help myself and I hated myself for being so naïve and stupid. I hated him for putting on such an act, for lying through his teeth, taking advantage of a young child, and for ruining my life because he was selfish. I hated his family for being lying assholes, who made me out to be crazy to my parents.

While everyone else was congratulating me and taking a peak at my new jewellery, I sat there with my family and friends, confused and hating myself.  I did what I had to do to keep my family happy.

-Venya♥

Teachers in life

In the early years of life we always picture a teacher as someone who  spent years attending school to obtain a license to teach, a degree.  It’s later in life we figure out teachers come in so many different shapes and forms.  Our first teachers are our parents.  They teach us how to walk, eat, use the toilet etc.  Then it’s our siblings or cousins.  They teach us to share, be tolerate and survive amongst family 🙂 As we grow our friends become our teachers, that is a good and bad thing in teenage years!

I never thought that my greatest teachers in life would be my husband and my mother in law.  Together they have taught me how to overcome ANY obstacles that I come across.

Every time they have knocked me down I have learned how to get up, at times it took a while before I got up, but I stood up again!!!  When they told me what they hated about me, I perfected it so the blows were easier to take and I wanted the world to see I was not as bad as they wanted to portray me.

They have continually called me names and put me down for a variety of reasons. Fat, ugly, stupid, too wide, ugly hands and feet, big thighs, big chest etc. Physically these 2 have picked me apart.  Like a normal person; I was devastated by their words and my heart broke every single time.

 

Over the years I slowly learned how stupid they were and I was the idiot who let them convince me too! I can’t change my physical self! Other than to lose weight or have surgeries to modify my body there isn’t much I can do about it. I now embrace my big thighs, love my curves (the bigger the cushion, the better the pushing?!?) My height, feet, hands or body structure CANNOT be changed, this is it! Take it or leave it. Ugly? Maybe to some I am but not to everyone.  I’m not gorgeous but I do get compliments here and there. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

My skills in the kitchen, according to them, are garbage. Raj constantly complains, to this day, how there is never any good food in the house. His mom says that I can’t cook, she hates my food. She says every good woman will be able to keep the family happy through food, clearly I’ve failed them.  I’m surprised my kids haven’t died from bad food and malnutrition!

How I see it these days is, I can not only cook but I bake as well! What do I cook and bake? ANYTHING you want. I have learned how to cook a little bit from all over the world. My kids love our weekly menu, 2 nights a week Indian food, 4 nights whatever we decide and once a week we do grab food. My family, friends, kid’s friends, even the neighbors compliment my culinary skills. I have often heard other parents say to their kids, “You should learn how to cook; Venya cooks and bakes beautiful food all the time.” Side note, I don’t cook from a box, I cook from scratch, I cook almost every day, I make my own chutneys, use oodles of vegetables and try to cook a variety of foods. My kids’ friends come over just to eat! The lesson here is I have to cook to keep my kids, love ones happy and healthy. It makes me happy when others enjoy my food; I have to be thankful for that. My demon of a husband and his mother, taught me how to cook. Their constant put downs made me try harder to please them, which meant I cooked better for my kids! They taught me how to perfect my recipes, thank you assholes!

 

According to the two of them I don’t know how to keep a house. My laundry was never white enough, I missed spot on the floors while mopping, dust was everywhere, toilet was a mess, too many dishes in the sink!

Because they were so OCD it taught me to keep up on the household chores flawlessly. At the time I used to hate the pressure, then I kind of started liking the pressure and now there is no pressure. My house is usually pretty clean. At times it gets messy, with kids it’s inevitable! But it’s relatively clean, sink is most always clear of pile ups and my bathroom is sparkly? They taught me that keeping clean is a good thing and it doesn’t require too much effort! Thank you for being on my ass about not cleaning fast or good enough, now you can eat off my floors, literally!

 

The two of them are notorious for making up lies about people. The one I hate the most is when I girl decides to leave her marriage. My mother in law goes into great detail about why the girl left. Usually the girl had a boyfriend, stole money, and didn’t play nice with the family or other variations of bullshit. Keep in mind she didn’t usually know the girl very well nor did she live with the girl. Raj does the same, makes up lies about situations to make himself feel stronger and more secure as a man.

What I learned from them, never judge anyone’s actions. We have not lived a day as them, we cannot speak with such righteousness unless we were physically there. We don’t know why someone else’s marriage falls apart but we can definitely take care of our own situation. We don’t know why she left; only she does. Only I know why I make the decisions I do, no one else is in my head or my shoes. My friends are my friends because I chose them to be in my life. If I don’t like how they are, then they shouldn’t be my friend. I let my friends know continuously how important they are to me.  And I don’t talk shit about my friends❣

 

There were many days that I was sad. And then I would get dumped on by the two of them for one reason or another. Talk about a hurricane of feelings. They are masters of kicking someone while they are down.

I learned to be kind to everyone. There is a saying, you don’t know what battles people are fighting, be kind. How true is that?!?! Many days’ I put on a brave smile and no one ever knows that my insides are shattered. One nice conversation with a stranger can totally change my day and one dirty look or bad words can make it so much worse. I’ve learned just to be kind, no strings attached. Thanks to my teachers I ooze kindness!!  Hugs and love are free, throw it around like confetti!

 

Him and his family are notorious for keeping secrets from one another and talking behind each other’s backs. His parents talk negatively about their sons to the son who is not present, parenting at it’s finest! Mostly they gossip about Raj to Jas. Jas is the younger one and more manipulative towards his parents, he’s the sly fox out of the family. Raj is just crazy person with no filter! They are not loyal to one another at all, they plot against each and definitely are not supportive in general to each other. Divide and conquer is not how a mother should be with her own kids.

I’ve learned to be open with both my children, equally. One is not better than the other. Pitting them against each other will break up the family, it doesn’t allow me stronger grip on them individually. Later in life the siblings will act on the hate their mother instilled in them against one another.   Everything I do will be done for both, equally. There will be no closed door discussions unless it’s private (period talk or mom, is it normal for boys to have hair in their bum?) My goal is to encourage my children (and others) to be there for the other, think about the other and remember their parents at all times, not just for money. Secrets and deception achieve nothing but cause destruction.

 

My sparkle was dulled for way to many years because of them. I’ve brought out the polish and cloth and have started to sparkle again as I once did.  I want to help others do the same💖

-Venya ♥

 

 

Almost Engaged.

It’s the day before the big engagement party with 300 of our closest family members.  I can’t believe I’m actually going through with this nonsense but more surprised that my parents haven’t come to their senses!  They have continued on with my big fat Indian wedding as if nothing is wrong and all I’ve done is wonder, why me?  Why are my parents so stupid?  Why are society pressures so harsh that we kill our live children in the name of honor?  Why do my parents think it’s okay to throw my life away for a lying asshole?  Why was my Mom not standing up for me like a mother should?  Why did my family think a man living with another woman was a perfect husband for their own child?  Why is it accepted for grown adults to lie to us kids and to each other???  Why did my loved ones stand by and watch the drama without intercepting it and talking some sense into my parents?

For the days leading up to the engagement I wondered were any red flags? Of course at the time I couldn’t make sense of it.  It was only years later when I opened up to my parents that there were red flags.  Vision is always 20/20 in hindsight!

First red flag was, he didn’t really introduce me to his friends.  I thought because we had met only a few times that this was no big deal.  When I think about it now, it was because he was ensuring no one would tell me.  He did take me out once to a party.  And, I did meet his friends but of course, no one told me anything about the other woman.  No one was willing to take a bullet for me!

The next flag was the issue of dowry.  When our arrangement was going forward, his family had insisted no dowry was necessary.  A decent girl to be a part of the family was worth more than money itself, those were their words.  My parents were happy they didn’t have to come up with extravagant gifts for his family to ensure their daughters happiness.  2 weeks before the wedding, his mother called my father and put forward her list of demands!

This included but not limited to:

A gold set for her, after all she is giving her son away, she needs something to console her.  Greedy bitch!  Gold jewelry for both grandmothers, as if they don’t have some.  Gold jewelry for both grandfathers, I’m sure my family rings made them richer…NOT!  A total of 12 gold rings and blankets for a variety of uncles and brothers for his side of the family.  I hope those blankets caused them all rashes!  Each of the ladies in the family were to receive 2 suits each.  I brought a whole suitcase of stitched suits for the women in his family.  I’m assuming his aunties were relying on the clothes my family provided to cloth themselves at the wedding.  My grooms brother needed a token from the wedding, clothing, a gold ring and cash would suffice, what a joke!  My future cousin sister in laws needed new clothes as well, I guess they didn’t have clothes of their own, find a job to help you shop!  At the end of it all she said to my dad,  “If you wish to give a car that would be for your daughter and your son in law.  Your daughter shouldn’t take the bus everywhere, that’s embarrassing.   I never did get the car, I told my dad I like taking the bus.  My parents ran around and spent money they did not have so the wedding wouldn’t be cancelled.  This was a major red flag!  I wish grown up Venya could talk to that bitch of a mother back then.  I would have a few questions and words for the piece of shit!  Greedy assholes, is what they were and have continued to be.  They took advantage of my family and me in every way they could.

I had spoken to my future husband about the list of demands his mom had ordered.  He was willing to speak to her about them but, I stopped him not wanting any fighting because of me.  If he brought it up, his parents would have accused me of turning him against his family..  I said to him, “It’s okay I guess but shouldn’t YOUR parents be giving MY parents presents?  I’m the one leaving my home not you.  So your family gets the girl and presents while my parents lose their daughter and have to give presents to your family so your don’t return me???  How does that make sense?”  In the end I let it go, as instructed by my parents, they told me not to worry about it.

Red flag #3.  While we were shopping for my wedding, his mom didn’t let me pick anything on my own.  I was allowed to have an opinion.  I was quiet because my parents had instructed me not to act or seem greedy.  Let them do as they please, they said.  I went along and smiled with whatever they said to me.  Suppressed right from the beginning.  Apparently my mother in law had many dreams of dressing her daughter in law one day, and I was it!

I also thought he lied to me about some drinking, spending and smoking habits.  I had confronted him and he denied it all. I asked him a few times over the phone, “Are you smoking?”  “Nope, it’s just the wind your hearing.”  “Oh, okay.”  How fucking stupid, naive, and gullible was I ???  He said it and I just trusted him blindly?!?!

So there were red flags, I just didn’t see them nor did I have enough time to dig into my suspicions.  This still didn’t give the right to lie and deceive me as they did, as a family.

My sister has become my only friend in my family.  Since then she has become my rock.  I was trying to make the most of my situation and carry forward without bringing shame to my parents name.  Tomorrow is my engagement party and I must admit, I was a little excited.  I was actually getting caught up in the festivities when I wasn’t thinking about the lunch.  I was enjoying all the attention when we were laughing, singing and dancing.  It was torture when my mind went back to lunch.  I guess I had a split personality during the wedding week.  One minute I would be dancing with my family the next I would be crying hoping my parents could see my pain and stop this wedding.

I go to sleep with mixed emotions, I don’t know any better, I’m barely 20.  What does anyone expect someone at my age and attachment to family to do?  No support, no help, just a pat on the head, it will be alright.  Will it be alright?

-Venya♥