School – A Good Distraction

For those of you following my blog, I’ve decided to continue to write my story to empower other women and as therapy for myself.

The days of my life continued on like a bad dream. Being content on the “normal” days of my life and hating life on those days that I could have done without.  I was doing my best to keep distracted although it was tough through the tears.

As a young girl I had had many aspirations of who and what to become when I was a grown up. My father had agreed with me on the profession of  a lawyer (not sure why he agreed, its take education to become a lawyer and he wasn’t ready to give me the right to school).  Some days I thought about nursing, hairdressing, Immigration officer etc.  Instead of allowing me to pursue any sort of post secondary I was forced to marry the asshole.  A little later than the usual I decided to go back to school part time while I worked during the day.  I was about 21 and started my journey to be a nurse!  I was finally going to do something with my life!

I must credit Raj with helping me and yes “allowing” me to go to school. His parents were NOT supportive that their slave daughter in law go to school and work, who would make roti and do the dishes???  Raj helped my choose a path and supported me financially and emotionally to tackle the world of academics.  I was ever so grateful to him!  Starting out slow I was going to school in the evenings which meant more nights away from that hell.  I embraced my new life, literally skipping to school.

Half a year went by and I didn’t even notice! By nature I thoroughly enjoyed school.  I loved learning, loved having all the answers and loved being amongst like minded people.  I loved my teacher, made beautiful friends who never really knew the real me and maybe I didn’t know the real them.  Nevertheless I enjoyed their company on those nights, it was better than being at home alone and unhappy.  I completed my night school and was ready to dive into the full time program.  That meant quit my full time job and have no income until I was done with my nursing dream.

Life at home didn’t change, he would go out, yell at me, beat me at times and I would in return serve him and his family all with a smile. His parents continued on treating me like shit and I continued taking it.  I was extremely lonely and wanted to get out somehow and saw education as a means to do so.  Still, not speaking the truth to anyone, especially to the other girls at school.  I needed to get full time enrollment for several different reasons but mostly for my sanity and to plan my escape.  Amidst the chaos, I applied for a spot and got it!  That was early in the year.  In order to pursue my life through education, one day after a bad fight with Raj I decided to pack my shit and leave him.

He tried to stop me but I walked out with a promise of never coming back.  Got on transit and off I went in tears of confusion.

With all that I could put into a carrying bag I showed up at my parents house. I can tell you my mom was happy to see me but not happy with my intentions to leave the marriage.  I walked through the door and made myself at home.  I was never going back to him or those fuck faces.  It was time for me to be me after all I was not even 22, plenty of time to be the woman I needed to be.   After almost 2 years of violence and abuse I was FREE!!!!

Venya ♥

Interview for an Arranged Marriage

Do you smoke? – no

Do you do drugs? – no

Do you go out to party? – no

Are you a virgin? – yes

Do you wear sensible clothes?- yes

Are you a saver or spender? – saver

Do you know how to make roti? – yes

Can you care for the parents? – yes

Do you want children? – yes

Do you want to work outside the home? – yes

Do you know how to do all the house hold chores? – yes

Do you know how to make all Indian food as well as western? – yes

Sounds good, when can we get married???

Wait a minute!  What about all the questions I had for this arrangement?

Do you drink? – yes

Do you do drugs – yes

Are you a virgin? – no

Do you know how to cook?- no

What do you earn? – none of your business yet, you will be provided for

Are you good with money? Do you save money? – don’t worry about it.

Will you look after my parents and family? – not my job, that’s their son’s job

Do you know how to do any housework? – not my job, womens work

Will you take me out with you? – if I do then who spends time with my parents?

Will you help with the kids? – if I do so, what will you do?

No I don’t want this arranged marriage!  He isn’t what I’m looking for!

Beta, this is a marriage, full of compromises, happens to all of us.  You won’t find a better family than that, don’t be so picky!  He probably has so many rishtas come, consider yourself lucky!  Your not some maharani where he must be perfect!

Just like that my wedding date has been fixed 

The lies and deception begin

Venya

A chance encounter

Why was my temperature rising?  I knew exactly why but didn’t want anyone to see what was happening.  To gather myself I walked around the room coyly, smiling at all the guests while making small talk.  As I turned round the corner, he was there again!  Was he following me or was I subconsciously following him or were we both looking for each other amongst this well dressed crowd? 

Instinctively I ran my hands over my hips and thighs feeling the black sateen and thinking of sateen bed sheets, why was I so flustered at the sight of him, this stranger?  The long slit up to my thighs was enough to get my own curiosity going, was it having an effect on the handsome stranger as well???  Having made eye contact with him, although brief, I smiled to myself and kept walking.   I stopped at a table to make conversation with an acquaintance to distract myself from him.  I was having trouble concentrating on what we were talking about and then I saw him walk directly behind me, just enough distance for me feel his presence and smell him.  Oh fuck!  He smelled amazing; I didn’t want to make it obvious that I was interested so I laughed and touched the other man’s arm.  After a few minutes of boring talk my eyes started looking for him.  Again walking the crowd trying to maintain my classy and sophisticated way while trying to tame the animal inside me trying to come out. 

I made my way to the washroom.  Looking in the mirror I saw my Audrey Hepburn hairstyle making my neck intensely inviting, paired perfectly with the diamond earrings.  My caramel skin looking dewy and luscious in the light.  I touched up my red lipstick although it clearly didn’t need any touching up and added another spritz of my perfume.  Standing back I look at myself in the mirror.  The black sateen dress fitting me perfectly in all the right spots.   Red high heels with lips and underwear to match, white gloves to my elbows just to finish off the look.  I felt liberated.  I felt sexy, I felt like a million bucks!  Standing there I thought about the man outside who I was playing hide and seek with using only our eyes, not a single word had been spoken but his intensity was making me hot and bothered.  My whole body was lighting up at the thought of him.  My panties were getting wet and my nipples were hard, this was all without a touch!  I knew I wanted him, but did he want me too?

Soon as I cooled myself off I made my way to the bathroom exit, swinging the door open I inhaled that smell.  It was him, he was close by.  Or was someone else wearing the same scent, my question was answered when I felt someone strong grab my arm.  Good thing I knew how to run in heels!  I was able to keep my balance!  It was him; he grabbed me and led me into an empty room.  Where was I?  Didn’t matter.  What mattered was that I was pushed up against a wall by this man who I had never seen before today but was lusting for.  Without saying a word his hands starting moving all over my body.  Like a hungry animal he attacked my naked neck and my shoulders, I inhaled his smell.  His scent was making me wetter, as if he could sense this; he pulled my dress up to my waist and without hesitation plunged in my hotspot.  His fingers felt like heaven inside me I found myself rocking against his hand.  My hands trying to feel his naked skin, failing to unbutton his white shirt.  Frustration was at its highest peak. Using all the concentration I had, I unbuttoned his shirt and took a look at him.  Holy fuck he was beautiful!  He was golden; just enough hair to show he was man, enough definition to show he wasn’t laying around on a couch all day and the taste of his body left me speechless and horny as fuck.  As he was fingering me to my delight he stopped mid-way.    He dropped to his knees, without saying a word; he slid down my red lace panties leaving it around one of my ankle.  All the while his mouth was already exploring my cave and tasting my juices.  This beautiful man was insanely pleasing!  As he took my leg and put it over his shoulder I dropped back into the wall and let him please me using his mouth.  I touched my breasts, rolled my nipples in my sweaty hands and wanted to kiss him but didn’t want to stop him from kissing my pussy.  Oh the pleasure I felt was leaving me breathless!   I could feel myself coming, I had forgotten to be shy about being in his mouth and let myself go.  The intense ripples that left my body were equalivant to a volcano erupting.  

Still not a word had been spoken, was this for real?  Was I actually being pleased by this man whose name I didn’t even know???  He began kissing the inside of my thighs and slowly made his way up to my breasts.  He looked straight into my eyes and began to lick and suck both of my breasts, one in each hand.  I grabbed his face and brought it up to mine and kissed him as deeply as I could tasting me on him.  The perfect mix of our bodies intensified my lust.  I felt his hard throbbing dick with my hands.  HOLY SHIT he had so much to offer!  I continued to play with him and stroking him with enthusiasm.  Wrapping my leg around him, I hugged him closely while kissing him madly.   I’ve always come across classy and sophisticated in public but in the inside, only I knew I was this ravenous lover.  A secret that he now had discovered by accident.

He broke from my kiss and attacked my breasts again with his mouth and moaned as it was the best meal he had ever had.  I enjoyed listening to him, so much so I was dripping wet again.  I naturally started rocking my body against his.  Without notice he grabbed both my legs and hoisted me on top of him with such grace and power.  I let out a little sigh when he thrust into me with so much intensity, I was breathless.  I was having the ride of my life, he fucked me up against the wall and all I could do was enjoy what he was doing to me.  I held on tight to his shoulders and neck quietly moaning while he heaved me up and down on his dick.  He too was quietly moaning and groaning quietly, after all anyone could walk in to see what was going on if they heard noise.  He kept fucking me until his breathing changed, I knew from experience, he was about to come.  I too was about to come again.  He thrust hard and deep and then released himself inside me.

I released my grip on his neck completely exhausted from the pleasure.  The wall caught me again, while I enjoyed the aftermath from sexual pleasure.  He kissed me again deep and sensual. 

He finally spoke!  His voice, so sensual and manly.  He told me how beautiful and enticing I was.  If he hadn’t had me he would have looked for me wherever he went.  Women like me don’t come around often, all the class, sophistication, beauty with the mystery he said.  Hope we meet again and that was it.

I felt amazing.  The way this man had devoured me in any way he could in a very short time.  I was on cloud nine.  My love hole throbbed with happiness as I watched him dress himself again.  I fixed myself as best I could.  Was my hair still intact? Lipstick gone for sure but that’s okay.  Would anyone in that packed room of people notice?  Before I made my way to the ladies room, now dressed, simultaneously we both went in for one last kiss.  It was amazing!  I tried to take in as much of him as I possibly could before releasing him.  I thanked him and walked out with a sway in my hips, with my head held high and a smirk on my face.

I got into the bathroom and started to make myself presentable again.  Applying my lipstick, I smiled at myself, so this is what it feels like to have mad crazy sex with and incredible strange man.  I was flushed from the sex that I had just had, I loved the glow.  That was an experience I will think about for a very long time.  I fixed my dress, readjusted my underwear, pulled my gloves up to my elbows and smoothed out my hair.  Looking 100% I made my way out the door and stopped.  What was his name?

©Venya♥

 

Sex Toys for all?

I usually blog about life as me, Venya, but today I’m going to blog about sex.  There are so many stories daily about women, children and few men that are being raped, sexually abused or molested.  I am compelled to give my opinion to the world, you may not care but I’m putting it out there.  I feel I have a solution.

By nature I’m a very sexual person, and I’m not shy to talk about the taboo subject.  Being an Indian girl from a “decent” family I was told not to talk about such things. Today as an adult woman, living my own life I talk and discuss sex freely with like minded individuals.

This brings me to my topic today, sexual abuse/frustration.  Not mine but others.  I will also use India for my examples as it’s my home country.  Most of the articles I come across and read are usually women/children being sexually abused in India.  Some of the victims are as young as 18 months and others are married to the perpetrator.  I have racked my brain as to why sex is so forbidden in India and cannot come to a real conclusion.  Sex is a human need and desire which translates into a beautiful thing when it’s consensual.  I do know that people are very sexually frustrated there and in turn don’t know what to do with themselves so they abuse others sexually.

After talking to some people from India I have come to these conclusions:

• Everyone is doing it
• Some are doing it with family members
• Some are doing it with animals
• Some are doing it forcefully
• Some are doing it consensually
• Some love it
• Some hate it
• Some don’t care for it but feel obliged to engage in it to prove their love
• Most are hiding they are doing it, even the married couples
• Plenty of people enjoy doing it but won’t speak about it openly
• Even the ones doing it are pointing the finger at others for engaging in such acts
• You are punished severely if anyone finds out your doing it before marriage

Of course, people are doing it!  Otherwise the population wouldn’t be so high!  A billion people didn’t fall from the sky!

What bothers me are why are so many people sexually frustrated (that turns abusive) if the country is clearly populated so well?  I think, because no one is allowed to really talk openly about it.

I have a solution, and I would like to hear everyone’s thoughts on this.

Why doesn’t India (or any other country) give out free sex toys as part of a mental and physical health initiative?  I’m not talking oils, feathers and rings.  I’m talk about a vibrator for women and an artificial vagina for the men.  When the urge comes on (and it does, we are mammals)  we should be able to bring out our toy and please ourselves.  This way no man will never be without hopefully less frustrated = less forced sex.  And the women can please them selves as they wish without being labelled or blackmailed for being a human with needs.

Think about it, if a man who is really needing sex can resort to pleasuring himself with an artificial vagina wouldn’t that save some poor child/women’s body/dignity/self esteem?

I truly feel a system like this will bring down the monstrous behaviour that men are showing towards females/males of all ages.  There is no reason an 18 month baby girl should be raped.  If that man had that handy vagina, he could have had his release in a less destructive way.  If an artificial vagina can save lives, give the men 2 or 3 of them!

Just like birth control should be available and free, vibrators and artificial vaginas should be made readily available at no cost.  It should be available through a Dr.

This may sound insane but I think I’m onto something here.  What do you think?

Venya♥

Dad or lover?

My mother in law is the classic definition of evil! She wasn’t happy herself and wouldn’t allow anyone else any other way of feeling.  I was somewhat getting used to my life as I had unimagined it.  I had a husband who shone to the world but behind closed doors beat the crap out of me while keeping his girlfriend happy.  I was finally allowed to work!  Other than work, cooking and cleaning had become my life for these ungrateful fucks.  Did I mention having a mother in law who is territorial is NOT FUN!?!?!

Mummy dearest saw that I was “managing” my life and I’m sure she was thinking of ways to bring me back to earth. I would go to my new found love (work) and come home humming to my Indian music as I cooked and cleaned for my in laws.  I would cook whatever Sunny wanted, he was a vegetarian but wasn’t fond of Indian food.  My father in law preferred Indian food, my mother in law loved a variety of food and secretly ate meat ( I caught her indulging in eggs one day!)  My lovely husband wasn’t a fan of Indian food but LOVES food, I didn’t cook for him much as he wasn’t around EVER.  Plus as he told me on several occasions, his girlfriend was an amazing cook!  Glad his belly was full from her creations, I was that bad in the kitchen myself just saying….

At this point in my marriage (about 1.5 years in) I think she had started to run out of things to nit-pick me about. She would spend hours/days picking my body apart and then my personality and what my parents have/have not taught me.  I was coping really well with all this garbage life.  Yes I was broken but I seldom let them or ANYONE see it, I would just cry to myself in my room or bedroom.

I think she thought I wasn’t bothered enough so she brought out the big guns!   She started accusing me of sleeping with her husband!  Yes that’s right, my FATHER IN LAW.  I have to give dad credit, he wouldn’t stop her from tormenting me but wouldn’t take part in it either.  In fact he would eat dinner with me and compliment my culinary skills.  I try to please Sunny and dad through food and cleanliness.  It was working.  On the flip side my MIL was starting to go insane whenever anyone complimented me.

For example when family/friends would come visit I would get the following compliments:

We want a daughter in law exactly like her; does she have a sister for our family?

Her food is incredible, where did she learn to cook like that in her young age?

She is absolutely beautiful, you guys are so lucky that Raj found such a beauty; the kids are going to be gorgeous!

No wonder you didn’t tell us about her before you were hiding the treasure until the wedding day!

Not only is she great in the kitchen, she is so respectful and polite! Beauty and brains.  I wish my daughter in law was like that.

She is so kind and she is domesticated, how did you find her? She always sits with us as her family, you are so lucky to have her in your family.

She is great with the kids, seniors and us! A perfect fit for you and she is pleasant with a knack for cooking!

The list goes on. Mostly people were very interested if there was a clone of me for their son.  My mother in law would seethe at these questions.  She wanted everyone to despise me, the exact opposite would happen.  EVERYONE loved me and who I was inside and out.  The girls and women would gather around me and shower me with love and affection.  Amongst them, I felt like I was special and mattered.  The uncles would voice their admiration for me how I carried myself in the family.  The young men looking for advice on life, mostly girls 🙂

One day, dad and I were sitting at the table eating our dinner and out of nowhere she starts yelling at me about stealing her husband.

She is screaming at me saying I’ve stolen him and she sees how other men look at me and for dad I am easy access so it makes sense, right? NO! Dad and I are equally shocked at the allegation of us sleeping together.  I treated him like a girl treats her dad.  We laughed, cried and at times were silly together ( I would paint his toenails, braid his hair, massage his legs, cut his toenails….) She went crazy on the two of us, Dad did defend himself and said I was a child AND Raj’s wife, what plain nonsense but she wouldn’t have it.  He tried, I know he did, but in the end gave up and walked away from the table.   That was the last day dad ever ate a meal with me by himself.  She had become completely unraveled.  I remember her saying, no one should have a pretty daughter in law they are all sluts, never trust a young girl around an old man, he gave me money as payment (That was cheap payment! All I got from that payment was ice cream or candy) both dad and I were mortified.

From that day forward, that man would leave the area if we were ever alone; in fact he actually stopped talking to me for more than a full year. We would only talk about necessary things.  Relatives continued to praise me (they still do!) and he would agree with them, just not with the same enthusiasm as he did before.  He was too scared of her to love me as his daughter.

So now she had theory about me, I was sleeping with my father in law, how disgusting was that! I never told Raj about it at the time because I was afraid that maybe a part of him just might believe her, no point in planting things in his mind.  Raj has recently just learned about some accusations such as these, he was actually shocked his mom had been tormenting me to this degree.   She is, was and always will be an ugly person inside and out.

Who makes those kinds of assumptions? Of all the men in the world why would I choose my father in law to have an affair with??? 

Almost 21, I had beauty and age on my side, I would definitely have not picked him!

Venya♥

#metoo Crippled

I feel like I’m completely crippled by #metoo.  Like a princess in her castle with no escape route.  Daily torture by the king of the castle, it isn’t even good enough for him.  He must see me being broken visibly for him to be able to digest his food and smile.

Broken and shattered with a glimmer of hope.

#metoo is a great movement but how can women of abuse actually be helped?  I’m a #metoo supporter and I’ve been abused so many times that its become my “normal”.  This movement has got me thinking more than ever how to live my life on my terms.  I get all pumped up and then there is my reality.  After the #metoo walks and discussions I go back to the nightmare, my personal hell.  Empowered, liberated and hopeful are feelings when I’m surrounded by those who share my view.  Devalued, hopeless, powerless and sad are what I feel like when I go back ‘home’.  The walks and talks haven’t helped me fix my physical situation which require money.

A modest income, 2 teen kids and bills that would make anyone throw up (on a budget).  How am I supposed to “leave”.  Living and children expenses are holding me hostage in  a home that is killing me slowly!  I’m not even asking for much, I would like to be able to pay for rent with normal expenses that come with living and supporting my 2 teens.  NOT POSSIBLE!  After careful analysis of my income vs my expenses, NOT POSSIBLE.

I have a decent job, with good moral/values topped off with  a love for life served with a forever smile and I won’t be able to make it financially.  Because of the financial need I will have to continue to let him torture, belittle, play mind games and kill me from the inside out.

I have done everything “right” in my life and yet I might have to put my kids on a pull out sofa in a rodent infested home.  Not sure how I ended up like this but could really use a break universe!

I know I’m not as stupid as he tells the kids.  I may not be slim but I know that I’m not as revolting as he convinces me some days.  Useless to him as he points out daily, but I know I’m not.  Others complimenting me, he tells me people always tell the ugly they are pretty to make themselves feel better.  Anyone can cook, it’s not like your cooking gourmet meals – he’s right, I don’t cook gourmet meals but dammit I try almost 7 night a weeks to cook from scratch!

We need a movement that helps all victims who are stuck in awful situations to get out and not have to starve or go on the system.  Yes I can get another job and never be home, who will raise the kids?  Who will see if they are okay if I’m not there?  Kids need parents to raise them not to raise themselves.

Feeling hopeless with no options  happens to many on a daily basis, it breaks us.  We continue to live lives we can’t take anymore but we somehow manage to do so.  We show the world we can, just barely.

What changes can we make world where people don’t have to stay in abusive situations because of money?  Money doesn’t buy happiness but it does buy us the freedoms we need to live a normal life.  Money is very important otherwise millions of people wouldn’t be stuck in shitty situations.

Venya♥

Work saved my sanity

Being a working woman was exhilarating especially since I didn’t have to be home with his parent 24/7! I loved going to work, putting on a uniform, putting on my makeup, looking the part of someone who was necessary in this world.  This was the best thing I ever did for myself, get a job where I could be outside the home and have some sort of socializing!  I made many friends at my new haven.  Men, women, their families and random strangers, I was full to the brim with love from others.  I was full of life and usually the life of the party when I was outside of my in laws home.  When people left my presence they usually remembered me for some time afterwards.

In the presence of people I was (and still am) in my element, I thrived and I grew as a person.

I am meant to be with people all the time, (Indian Oprah) I know this is my path! When I look back to when I was a little girl, even then people were drawn to me.  My parents didn’t like it but it was true, I was outgoing and chatty.  I engaged EVERYONE into conversations the grocery store employees, the seniors, babies, people at my gurdwara, relatives etc.  If they would let me, I would talk with them.

This new found freedom of working outside of the home was something else. It’s like looking up at the sun, eyes closed and really feeling the love from the sun while taking deep breaths being thankful for this universe and all it has to offer.

But, when it was time to go back home, my stomach would go into a frenzy with anxiety as soon as I could see the house in the distance. I would get worried about what was going to happen to me today?  Was it the silent treatment, a slap, demeaning words or was it going to be small talk?

How is it that a nice house from the outside could hold such ugly secrets? Did anyone have the ability to see thru the house and see all the secrets it held?  Did anyone walking by that house ever hear my screams of terror or the yelling matches that were as frequent as the sun rising?  Could they sense that something wasn’t right behind the closed doors?  Did it really have to be this way?  Could they hear my blood curdling screams in the middle of the nights from my night terrors?  Why did I have this double life and what had I done to deserve it?

He was still with his girlfriend, over a year into my marriage with him and I still hadn’t won him over. How did I know?  Because she had actually become my friend, young and stupid me wanted to know about her and him together as a couple.  There was a part of me that studied her to see if I could be like her.  That was not going to happen!  Her and I were quite opposite in looks and demeanor.

He continued to hit me or throw me around the walls when he felt like it. His parents (mostly mom) were emotionally abusive towards me.  I was tormented by them daily as a team against Venya’s existence.

How can everyone outside this house love me so much while everyone outside it loved me??? What was I doing so wrong that they treated me like an unworthy piece of shit?

His brother was my best friend inside the house. During the course of my marriage, he had been a confidante.  He saw everything, heard everything yet said he couldn’t do anything more for me except rip his brother off me whenever “it got to be too much.”  I talked to him about everything; he told me everything about his life.  Sunny was  a little brother to me, helpless yet trying to help me.

I was pulling this double life role off without a hitch! No one would have EVER guessed my home life situation (some to this day don’t know!).  Could they really not see the sadness in my eyes?  Were they oblivious to my pain?  I thought people were able to read people’s unhappiness?

Life became a cycle: Get up, make sure I look presentable, do my household duties for/with my mother in law, go to work (sheer enjoyment!) come home (anxiety starts), maybe get into an argument with my husband or his family, sex(dependent of moods), and go to sleep.  Repeat.

For those of you wondering, yes I had sex with him. Why?  Because as a living mammal I had needs and there was a big part of me that was trying to win him.  Sex and food were supposed to be guaranteed ways to secure a man, right?  And I actually like sex…

6 months into having a job, I was getting the hang of “the cycle” and was just keeping my head above water. On the other side my mother in law was growing angry because I was in some sort of routine and seemed fairly happy.

That woman, to this day, cannot handle anyone being happy but her, so she started destroying me in a way I had never imagined….

Venya♥

My first job after I got married

1 year had passed and I was finally ALLOWED to go work outside of the home! I was sooo excited that I had secured a job and really loved it!  It was so liberating to go into the real world everyday by myself without my mother in law or husband with me.  To  the bus, I skipped the whole way, smiling ear to ear.  I was like Happy out of the 7 little dwarfs, hi ho hi ho it’s off to work I go.  Determined to do something other than be treated like crap I got up with excitement  and purpose every morning because at some point I was going to be out of the house and be myself without having to put on an act or be submissive.  Joining the workforce was very easy, I have an outgoing friendly personality so making friends and learning are second nature.  I loved that I was “on – training” at work, how important was that?!?!  I was surrounded by many beautiful people that I looked forwarded to seeing every day.

The first 2 weeks of work went relatively well at home. I would get up in the morning, do my household chores and then I would go to work, missing all the evening drama at home!  Instead I would be laughing with all sorts of people and enjoying what freedom felt like.  Keeping up with the household duties were a must or else I knew I would be asked to quit going to work and I couldn’t risk that.  Getting up early and then I would run around cleaning up the mess of the previous night because my fat ass mother in law left things on purpose to teach me a lesson.  Me being young = being the energizer bunny.  I would do all my chores and take her wherever she needed to go before my shift and then, it was like, see you later suckers!

Raj and I saw less of each other but I was less lonely than I had been being with his family every day. We hadn’t really fought those few weeks,  I was getting into the groove being a married working woman.  I think he also liked me being busy, less chances of me investigating his whereabouts and asking questions like a detective.  He and I didn’t really talk during my first few weeks of working but at least we weren’t fighting.  I was content with that, married but alone yet happy!

Our fighting restarted when I received my first pay check. I, naïve and stupid, went home and showed my husband my pay check.  He was very excited for me to have a pay cheque.  I then went and told his parents about my first pay check and that I would be ordering dinner with my money.  The paying part was okay but it was not okay that I had a real paycheck.  His mom made a strong statement about how daughter in laws need to hand over their pay checks to their mother in laws to run the houses expenses.  She demanded it again and I didn’t really respond to that.  She repeated herself a couple of times, but I was just thinking that I’m the one who went to work so I should keep it not her!

When I was a young girl I saw my parents had one bank account and shared all expenses, my dad handled all the money. My mom didn’t work so I guess it made sense.  Now as married young woman, my mother and father had reminded me that my paychecks need to go to my husband as he is head of the relationship.  I subtly protested and my parents firmly told me nice girls don’t set up separate bank accounts from their husbands.  I was actually okay giving my money over for the greater good as a couple.

As instructed by my parents and after thinking about what I had grown up around, I handed over my first paycheck blindly to my husband. At the time it was just a paycheque, when I look back, I had actually handed him my freedom and did so every 2 weeks.  I would get a weekly allowance from him and that was all that I would/could spend and the rest was going to the future.  In fairness to him, I did receive more money when I needed and I was never without anything I needed.  In fact, I was spoiled materially and still am…

Although I gave him my pay, he still didn’t have any more respect for me. There was a place in my mind and heart that I hoped he would maybe love me now that I was earning money for “us”.  I wasn’t as useless as he was saying or they were saying.  No such luck, our fighting continued. 

At this point I don’t really remember a harsh fight where it got physical.  He kept seeing his girlfriend; I kept up with the housework and worked outside the home.  I was happy with the people at work, we ate, laughed and lived.  To the naked eye I had a life that was going in the right direction.  20, with a handsome husband, (who had a respectable job), working, lived with the in laws and was always happy.  At times even I thought I was living the life that others believe I had.  Some days I actually forgot that I was in an abusive relationship and that at any given time I would be slapped across the face or would be humiliated by him and his family.  There many days that I was actually happy (rose colored glasses).  On top of that I was constantly competing for my husbands acceptance and attention with his girlfriend AND mother!!!

I was, am and forever will be an optimistic person.

Venya♥

1st Birthday as his wife

The once bubbly, outgoing girl who was going to conquer the world, was being silenced by the violent abuse behind closed doors. Not every day was horrible or bad, but it definitely wasn’t an ideal life!  There were some days when he wasn’t busy with his girlfriend that he made some time to take me out and about.  Most days I tried to keep myself entertained with music, sports, cooking and whatever came to me.  Mother’s Day had passed (absolute fail!) and not too long after would be my birthday!  Yay 🙂   Time to celebrate me, for once I’d be the center of attention!

After my failed attempt at suicide (he didn’t know about it) I had made a decision to try to live a happier life despite the circumstances. I needed to move on with my life with or without my husband while still living with him and his fucked up family.  I had expressed to Raj that I was a big birthday celebrator and I wanted to do something for my birthday.  I knew that he would do something even if it was just a dinner.  I must admit I had a hard time hiding my excitement for my birthday.

My birthday rolled around and I couldn’t contain my excitement just like a small child with their parents. I was in love with cakes and parties (still am!); nothing would have made me happier than just that.  Raj had understood that about me and didn’t really think that was all that wonderful, he accepted that I was young and childlike so would entertain the talks about it.

His mom gifted me this really ugly and cheap suit and acted like it was worth a million dollars! She apparently didn’t have time to get me a cake, I LOVE CAKE!  I must say I was disappointed even though I shouldn’t have expected anything different.  I really truly am an optimist, even to this day I am.   Being who I am, I appreciated whatever it was.

Side note: Later in the evening Raj did buy me a cake.

The evening consisted of a 5 star dinner with a luxurious gift topped off with some sex. Some would die for a night like this and be ever grateful for it, I wasn’t impressed.

My perspective was, the dinner was nice but not necessary especially when I ate without him so many nights. I would have rather had an average dinner and then also have many more dinners with love in the atmosphere.  Better yet, would be that he no longer have any other dinners with his girlfriend.

 

The gift was very beautiful but again I’d rather be loved and respected than bought materially. I wish he would stop spending money his girlfriend, I don’t even need anything if he would just stop spoiling her.  The gift becomes meaningless when you know it’s most likely a pity gift, she probably got the exact same thing.

The sex was just a human need there was no love in it, just a quick fix for the release of endorphins. Sex is just sex, at that time I would have preferred to make love to the man who loved me.

All in all it was a good birthday if you look at it logically, but it was just meaningless that’s all.

What I’m most thankful for is he didn’t hit me, didn’t verbally abuse me or make me feel like shit on my first birthday as his wife. Maybe he wasn’t that bad???

Venya♥